3 AM NACHO - TIME...

WELCOME TO THE FIRST WEEK BACK -  Those of you who are new are probably all bright eyed and ready to move in, set up your room as quickly as possible, get your class stuff together and hit the parties…Those of us who aren’t have not only moved in early, procrastinated unpacking as long as possible, but have also been drunk for the week or so we’ve already been here. 

For the experienced, the first week of college includes daygers (day-ragers), bars, restaurants, more bars, and the occasional frat party when the bars start last call.  

This is also the best time for classes; which, are usually about 30 minutes long and includes the syllabus handout and a “stern talking” from the professor about the course expectations.  Classes are short, the summer weather is still out, and it’s boot and rally season (puke and party).

The first week is a time to spend your well earned summer money not on books, but on the next thirty rack or handle you need to buy after the first few are finished.  You don’t spend it on pens or pencils, you spend it on pizza when you stumble home. 

Priorities of first week is to not really remember first week.

(609): my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college

There is a ritual that every student who has gone to college has taken part in - the drunk food binge.  Every kid in college has the staple drunk good that always gets consumed once intoxicated.  With each person the food may vary; but, in fact, there is one food that is superior to all others.  Yes ladies and gentlemen, I’m talking about the quintessential and incomparable meal that is the 3 am nacho.

    Now don’t be fooled, you may be thinking…nachos?  Really?  That’s your great food?  But read and ponder as I tell you the perfect preparation for the ultimate drunk satisfaction of food cravings.  You will need:

1 large plate

Tortilla chips (in desperate times may be subsituted for any type of Doritos)

1 mound of cheddar cheese

1 heap of salsa

1 dollop of sour cream (optional)

1 handful of chicken (optional)

     Now take the nearest plate, throw down the torilla chips, literally grab a mound of cheddar cheese and spread over the top. Drizzle over with salsa and put in the microwave for 50-60 seconds or until cheese is melted. Feel free to add sour cream or any other toppings after microwave extraction.

Stumble to the nearest table, sit down and chow down with friends.  Now, one cannot even begin to describe the deliciousness that is this meal, on the soul fact that every food tastes better when wasted - however, this will satisfy every food urge you have when being generally coherent was only an option that had been lost three hours before.

So next time you’re drunk and hungry and wasting electricity by unknowingly staring in the fridge for a half hour - try to remember the 3 am nachos and slip in to the discovery of the incomparable.

FRESHMAN:  Ready to party, have sex, blackout not back out, get in good with the men, skanks, innocent, naive, possibly under 18 so watch out, will over pay upperclassmen for a booze aka packy run, Puke and rally type of girls

CLASSIFIED: Easy Target

FRESHMAN SHUT INS: They’ll be in the library, doing homework, possible two shots and they’re blackout, “party” in the dorms only

CLASSIFIED: Men, these ladies would be a cheap date and future wife material

SOPHOMORES:  Still ready to party, but with more experience possibly higher tolerance, knows what houses are best, but ready to throw down as easily as they still throw up -still wanting just random hook ups and looking at the new freshman men for new meat.

CLASSIFIED: New Men Required - Same Bullshit Accepted AKA Easy Target

JUNIOR YOUNGINS: Not old enough to go up town, sick of the frat scene but still semi hopeful that the next fraternity man will be the man of her dreams (even after getting burnt so many times). Knows how to get into parties for free, knows drinking limit and isn’t against actually staying in on a Friday night to “get away from the drama” - Feels like they must set example for Freshman girls and marks territory when it comes to houses, parties, and men.

CLASSIFIED: Semi-Hard to Get: Men need to step up their game at this point

JUNIOR LEGALS:  21 and ready to rally!  These ladies are up for anything at this point as long as it has to do with being uptown at the bars.  They’ll buy you drinks - boys or girls if drunk enough. Ready to dance, drink the night away with “new men” - they think meeting a GDI (pronounced geed), aka God Damn Independent or a person not in the Greek System, will be the answer to their man problems. But now also - for some reason - still open to Fraternity men even more now that they’re in another setting besides their puke stained houses. 

CLASSIFIED: Easy Target - Just buy the lady a drink and have a legit conversation

SENIORS FALL:  Senior girls are the hardest to get, especially in the fall semester.  At this point they start to frenzy if not in a relationship.  They believe that graduating without one will lead to a lonely life with 17 cats and subscription to Prevention magazine. These girls aren’t looking forward to a one night stand, will make you hold out for sex for the first few dates because they want to look “classy”.  They want to find the fairy-tale and knight in shining armour. Will help pay on dates, though it’s best if you offer, even if it’s just the first pitcher - she’ll want to look mature and buy it.  Will dress sexy but older, no jean skirts and white see-through tanks, but tight black pencil skirts and a top the shows the right amount of alluring cleavage.

CLASSIFIED: Hard to Get - Worth it in the end! Experienced now in the drinking scene and most likely in bed - take this girl home to mom and she won’t dissapoint, after all it’s what she’s waiting for.

SENIORS SPRING:  There are THREE types of Senior Spring girls, those that have found their man and will hold on with dear life, those that are now even more desperately searching, and those that are feeling nostalgic.  Nostalgic senior girls are the most fun.  They figure “hey, graduation soon, I’m going to miss college so much I might as well live it up while I’m here”.  These girls will be the ones to go back to the Frat parties a few more times.  They will take a freshman girl - or few - under their wing and show them the ropes, they will take a freshman boy - or few - and live up the glory days in bed, making boys into men.  They’ll do the keg stand, will not buy the round of shots but will flash someone for it, is ready and waiting for the one night stand to happen so that it’s a night well spent.

CLASSIFIED: 1st type - no chance. 2nd type - see seniors spring.  3rd type - GET READY TO PARTY, aka EASY TARGET ( thus creating a full circle back to freshman year)

Dear Student,

CONGRATULATIONS! I am delighted to inform you that you have been accepted to the University as part of the class of 20….blah blah blah

WHAT YOUR PARENTS SEE: Future doctor, teacher, lawyer, marine biologist - my child is going to go to college, expand their mind, find a great job and earn alot of money!!! 

WHAT YOU SEE: Frat parties, drunk girls, hot guys, greek life, body shots, keg stands, uptown, midnight pizza, no parents - The only all nighters I plan on doing are on the weekend that involve me not remembering anything!!

WELCOME TO COLLEGE

For those of you who are starting - get ready.  For those of you who are already there or have been - welcome back to the memories that you may or not have remembered.  Welcome to the all nighters, good and bad and blackout.  Welcome to both sides of the story… the romance… the lust… the mistakes… the victories… the semi-able to understand talks… the non-verbal conversations meant for behind closed doors…

and of course the walks home stumbling up the back steps followed by the drunken 3 AM chow down.

Welcome to the best four + years of your life.