3 AM NACHO - TIME...

Alright so we’ve already outlined how to spot the right girl for what you college men are looking for, but this post, is for the ladies.

ATTENTION ALL LADIES OF COLLEGES, UNIVERSITIES, SORORITY GIRLS, GDI’S, AND HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS SNEAKING IN

We’ve all seen them, we’ve all been to the parties, the tailgates, the mixers. We’ve all been to the after parties because a certain one has given us the invite to stay just a little bit longer - but what you need to understand is that this beautiful man who’s, looked past your extremely low cut shirt, amazing cleavage, and skanky skirt and hooker boots, able to see who you really are as a person from the, muffled and five second hard to hear conversation in a dark room while he keeps filling your red solo with beer so that he can get in said skirt, beautiful conversation you had at his chapter house party who is so beautiful, and perfect, and sweet is…he’s just sooo….full of shit.

The Fraternity man is one of the most cunning creatures you’ll ever meet at anyschool. The Athletes try, but nothing can stop the unrelenting, mischievous, intelligent, and pure walking sex that is a fraternity man. They are irresistible and are better at making panties drop than signing their own names. Let’s start with the basics:

• Phenomenal smile
• Out going personality
• Knows how to mix drinks perfectly
• Sweet talking extraordinaire
• Charming
• Funny
• Man Whore

Now you may all think - “No! He really likes me! We sleep together, and he gives me his shirts to go home in and blah blah blah…” Bless your hearts…you’re not the only one. Let me give you a little vocab lesson to a word most sorority girls have come to know - Slampiece.

Slampiece: Noun

A Slampiece is a girl that you fuck on the reg. usually one of few in case the first cannot make it over.

-Bro, I was playin COD on Xbox last night and my number one “SlamPiece” came over and started sucking me so hard that she knocked the sticks outta my hands.”

-Damn did you win?”

-Naw, but it was chill, cause then she made me a sandwich.”

To a young fraternity man, between the college age years of freshmen to juniors, they are not interested in having a girlfriend when they are part of a Greek system with a number of delicious sororities on campus, parties with easy freshmen girls, and the letters, money, and means to have what they want. Most girls realize that they will be part of a few of the slampieces to a certain fraternity man, yet are perfectly fine with it and continue to paint coolers and make them sandwiches after sex. It’s not until their senior year when they realize that they should probably start settling down with some lucky lady. To possibly avoid being a slampiece, attach on young before pledging and hopefully you’ll still catch the uncorrupted boy inside them, if you do hold on for dear life.

HOWEVER….You CAN NOT blame a fraternity man for how he acts. It’s how they’re raised during pledging and their first year as being a brother. They aren’t just taught the ways of their chapter, but they are also taught the ways of sweet talking and womanizing - and I have to say that even though about 99.8% of them play these games, we can’t help but love them anyway. They’re assholes, and we know it. But we’re attracted to their cockiness, their swagger, the way they boast around a room, the way they catch your eye, give you an award winning smile, fill your drink automatically, take your breathe away and basically end up having sex with you. A process of getting you in bed that can only take about 10 minutes depending on your will power. So please, when your delusional self finds out that your one true love fraternity man is sleeping with a few others don’t turn into a hot mess.

My advice - DO NOT ATTACH - have fun - who says he can’t be one of your slampieces?

We’ve all been to a party in college, if you haven’t, here’s a little introduction as to what to expect and how to prepare.

First off: House Parties vs. Frat Parties

There are two categories of worthy parties at school, and no freshman, we’re not even going to mention partying in the dorms.

 House parties are never hard to find, easy to get in to unless you have some bitchy up tight girl at the door whining about everyone, and are a good time if it’s the right crowd: aka no drama club, band, or choir parties, you want to stick out of nerdy cliques because they basically don’t get out and socialize with others out side of their group.  However, any atheletic team house and random house on the block that’s throwing down will most likely live up to good party standards.  For house parties you will want to bring your own beer, and booze to survive the night and definitely pregame.  The crowds of people will be made up of smaller individal groups of friends so it’s easy to interact, meet up, hook up, and get fucked up. These are usually broken up by cops early.

Fraternity parties are a world of their own.  Remember to bring at least 10 bucks with you whether you’re a girl or not, there will be a cover at the door. If you are ugly, or they think that you’re ugly, they’ll refuse entry. Ladies, just because you have tits doesn’t automatically get you in. Frat parties, unlike house parties, do provide kegs and usually jungle juice or other booze drinks; so really, pregaming is only needed. They also usually include some sort of dance area, usually the basement, as well as room for flip cup and beiruit aka beer pong for the uneducated, and other activities that are most likely involved in a beer olympics tournament.  Some chapters do not let people they don’t know go up stairs to where most of the brother’s rooms are - GET OVER IT. Unless you know someone or one of them is trying to have sex with you, it’s not going to happen. Girls, Fraternity houses are insulated by your lost clothing, so if you don’t want it to be mysteriously gone or sucked into the walls, I suggest you keep it on; although if you do it’s not very fun for anyone.  As for the the older crowd, we all know that the right time to come to a fraternity party is really during after hours when all the freshmen have been kicked out and the random GDI’s (see previous post) go home for the night.  The after party is when the good alcohol starts flowing, the drugs get passed around, the sex gets dirtier, and the nights are longer.

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW FOR BOTH:

1. The floors will be sticky no matter where you go, no you don’t want to know why.
2. Girls, bring your own toilet paper, there will be none
3. Never sit on the seats in the bathroom
4. If the door to a room is closed, don’t even knock
5. ALWAYS pre-game
6. Try to lift the seat if you intend to puke
7. Dark corners are most likely occupied
8. Not all abandoned red solo cups are full of beer, they may have been subsituted as a bathroom to some desperate boy at some point so choose wisely if you’re really that thirsty
9. Do NOT pass out with your shoes on

Most colleges and universities seem to be a united front.  We’re all here for a good education right? An education yes, but in what is really the question.  They all have the school clubs, student government, random choirs, even intramural sports that basically anyone can join who didn’t get a full ride for four years.  However, there is a world with in these collegiate walls that unlike the “equal rights” of every other club, are not penetrated as easily as, well lets say a drugged out, boozed out freshman girl.

Yes, I am talking about Greek Life. This world at some schools may be small or it may make up around 85% of the student population; either way, you can’t just instantly become part of this crowd. You have to work to be part of these people’s lives, and yes I’m saying lives because it does consume you.  The entire tradition, secrets, parties, royalties, priveleges, title, reputation, friendship, sisterhood, brotherhood, life bond consumes you…and let me tell you, it is a sweet, sweet life.

First things first, it is a Fraternity, not a Frat. As the saying goes you wouldn’t call your Country a C_ _ _ : I’ll let your skills of 3rd grade hangman let you fill the rest in. The word frat can however be used as a verb in most situations involving said parties. Here are some things that you should know for Greek life:

GDI= God. Damn. Independent.  aka everyone who is not in Greek life can also be pronounced GEED.

Sperrys= the general common footwear of any self respecting fraternity man and or sorority woman.

Cover= general admission to the public at fraternity parties who are not in Greek life, so please remember to bring the $10 or guys get ready to go home and ladies get ready to dump ‘em out.

Bid = The extended personal invitation by a Greek chapter on campus given to an individual that they would like to see as part of their chapter.

Pledge = A potential new member of a Greek chapter that must learn and earn their way into the fraternity/sorority before they become an actual brother or sister. At this point you are the little bitches of the chapter.

Tradition/Ritual = Secrets that are passed down from pledge class to pledge class within the chapter to ensure the enrichment and growth of each chapter’s future.

Bond = The knowledge of your chapter’s secrets and Greek life in general that binds you to another sister or brother for life creating the life long relationship/friendship/respect with each other.

Legacy = A person who has had a direct family member in a fraternity or sorority. Fraternity: Brother, Father, Grandfather, or Uncle.  Sorority: Sister, Mother, Grandmother, or Aunt.  99% of legacy’s get a bid however it does not mean you are going to be respected, you’re still a pledge to start with.

TFM = Total Frat Move

TSM = Total Sorority Move

TFTC = Too Frat To Care - the general mind process

As being part of Greek Life myself, I will not diverge into anything specific; however, I state that weeks of pledging are worth every second.  The people you meet, that parties you attend, and the bonds that you make.  You just have to make sure you pick the right one for you, not one that is necessarily the most “popular” on campus.  Greek life will make your collegiate experience untouchable.

     With in the past few months there has been a craze sweeping college campuses- the ever sinful drink, the Four Loko. Coming in a variety of delicious flavors, the drink’s name definitely lives up to it’s results. Containing around 6 beers, and two or three energy shots, and a full energy drink, all mixed together within what basically looks like an Arizona Ice Tea can, the drink is amazingly destructive.     

I’ve seen more clothes taken off than after a bottle of tequila. More random fist fights, name and cat calling, regrettable hook-ups, victory or walks of shame depending on said hook-ups, and more blackout “OMG I DID WHAT??” next morning hilarious stories than whiskey, bourbon, and vodka combined.     

 According to URBANDICTIONARY.COM, the drink got it’s name from the four stages of crazy that accumulate as you drink the can:

Stage 1: Tipsy (loud, might stumble, laugh) 

Stage 2: Drunk (embarassing, stumbling, slight slur) 

Stage 3: Wasted (heavy slur, falling, hitting on grenades) 

Stage 4: Black Out (no ability to speak, vomiting, waking up next to any girl or a grenade, memory loss)     

So grab the three dollars you were going to use for laundry and head to the packy aka liquor store, and buy a night you won’t remember.           

When you start off your college years, those of us who are seasoned can and will all agree; that, any class that you have before 1030 on a Friday, you probably won’t make. Weekends at most schools start on Thursday nights - if you’re really ambitious than you’ll start after your last class and rage away the afternoon as well. Every weekend at college has at least three nights, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and some Sundays.      

With that being said, you either go big or go home, especially at the beginning of the four day weekend. Therefore, if you set up a class before 1030 on Friday, I guarantee that you will break more alarms than you will actually go to class. So if you’re serious about your drinking and aware of your classes, then do the right thing and give yourself the necessary and ample amount of time the next morning for your hangover to pass and your body to recover.